Mile Marker 1581
To truly get a feel for this experience, one should be listening to bumpin music (like this Gotye song, which Brave Anastasia says nobody can resist dancing to unless they are in a coma) REALLY loud, be eating trail mix and dropping at least several peanuts down one's own shirt, and be scalding one's tongue on too hot coffee.
Part of the point of this trip was to learn who this new Brave Anastasia is when she doesn't have to be the responsible one, the Chief Medical Officer, or the caregiver. Don't think I don't know she calls me the "Anti-Steve McQueen" just because I think we should follow the law, remember that we are just weeks from turning 48, and think we should floss every day.
I have now spent three and 1/2 days in the Big Red Truck with this woman, this Brave Anastasia, and here is what I have learned:
- She stops every ten bleedin' minutes to take a picture. Seriously, girl, is this necessary? And must we stop for each and every bison we see? They're just furry cows. [Ed note: She tells me, "No, they are not. They are a different higher classification, have different foraging habits, and are adapted to different landscapes. Besides, bison are cool as shit." So she's an annoying know-it-all, too.]
- Enthusiasm and endurance do not overcome a lack of talent when it comes to singing. The woman will sing along to anything and everything--country, pop, blues, jazz, rap, boom-chicka-boom club music--and she is equally off-key to all of it. She doesn't even know all the words, so she just makes them up. I keep suggesting something instrumental, but she'll have nothing of it.
- If you are going to be so particular about where you take a whiz, Petal, may I suggest that you either stop driving on back roads with nothing but trees and open spaces available to you and/or you stop having all that coffee? The constant muttering about it being the 21st century and the lack of indoor plumbing in the wilderness is just sad.
- Car dancing burns a lot of calories. I can only assume her near incessant consumption of Kind bars, dried fruit, and candy is because she is constantly wiggling, bouncing, bobbing her head, and banging on the steering wheel. And she is shameless and doesn't even care when adjacent cars see her and smile and wave at her. Hussy.
- Car dancing can apparently be simply near the truck and still count. At the Teton Overlook she and some biker danced in the parking lot. [Ed note: She says, "it was the damn Gotye song playing, I told you everyone has to groove to that one!"]
- She must be lonely, because she'll talk to anyone. In the Starbucks when two women admitted they didn't have the courage to wear fancy cowboy boots she gave an impromptu lecture on how the boots give you courage, ladies, and you can't help but strut a little bit when you're wearing them. Then she actually strutted--STRUTTED--back in forth across the store and said, "Y'all need to go out shopping, and you'll be changed women. Your husbands aren't even gonna recognize you."
But I will say this for Petal, she must really miss her friends, because she thinks about them all the time and wonders what they are doing, and smiles so wide when she gets "How's it going?" texts and messages from them. Despite being so incredibly annoying, she must be pretty well loved. So maybe the Anti-Steve McQueen will ride shotgun with this crazy Brave Anastasia a little while longer.